Have you ever felt like the world gave you a punch on the face and you just can't recover from it? Because you're not prepared for that punch. We are never prepared. No-one prepares us for a punch on the face.
Iced water. In large amounts. On your body. Piercing. Devastating. That's how I feel. Devastated.


I made a resolution 3 weeks ago, and that was to NEVER think, talk, write, draw o do any kind of activity that involved him. And until this paragraph I was doing more than just well. But like everything, relationships that are not successful need closer. Well, since that relationshio couldn't have a face to face closer, it needs words to be over. So this is the last time I allow myself to ever consider think of him. Ill never be sure if I really loved him. I don't have much experience in the love department. Actually, I have very little experience. So LOVE I'm still not sure what it is (Wow, I should really get a love life...man, I'm a loser). I think it was, but it was weak and childish. Stupid. Teenage love. Cyberlove. It sucked. I suck. I screwed it up. Like everything I touch o lay hand on. I sometimes wonder what have I done to deserve all this and I can't explain. Can't find the answer. I'm clueless. I left him without an answer so he can hate me and never try to reach me again. I caused him pain. He didn't deserve it. And now, well... now, we are too different. Two different people. We are two souls again. Always and forever didn't last much. Sorry. Goodbye.


Wow, I cried a river while writing that. I guessed I deserved it and needed it. However, that's not the only reason I've got for to cry.
You think you are there. That are connecting with that person again, and it vanishes like thin air. Why can't I have that one friend that you can tell everything to? That you can rely on no matter what? That you can talk to and will listen? That considers you your first choice and not the leftovers? That includes you in her plans? That wants you to be a part of her life? I've never had a friend like that, even if many think I do. I don't.


I used to know so many things. And now, I'm just a tiny little person that doesn't like herself anymore. That doesn't like where she is going. And I really need to stop talking about myself in third person!!!!! (huge ego, sorry).
I'm gonna plan a trip. I don't have the money, but I don't care. I'll just plan it for when the money miraculously gets in my pockets. Because that would be a trip I'd like to do. And for which I don't need to be invited.


Hugs and Hughs,
Bell